It was June, she was just in class 2 and felt her first hormonal rush, a feeling that was so alien to her yet it felt like a part of her, a dormant part which was surfacing up with a torrent of emotional desires! The boy was her only friend and the only boy who she was in contact with even when she was so shy and introvert. She till that date was safely tucked in her own world where everything was about fairies and barbies but now she was pushed to face new things in world and their he was sitting with a smile on his face as if waiting only for her. It was school where they first met from there started a lovely friendship of a boy with braces and girl with a heart to love even at the age of just 7! When she was with him or around him she felt happy!well she was just 7yrs so could not possibly say that she felt safe because that age was not anything to feel safe! Its the time from when experiments start!
Studying in a coeducation school she did come across many boys and girls but the only person who enchanted her was him! This feeling good went on and then they became best of buddies sharing everything from tiffin to notebooks. Their parents started bonding and they gradually unblocked all hinderences by each passing year and went on learning and educating themselves. All of a sudden he left school. It was like her sweet bubble was shattered in million tiny fragments and she could not even process what to do with so many broken fragments! Well she didn’t need to do anything, but yes their parents did by maintaining a good friendship between two families, visiting each other often at their respective homes! Many a things went by but nothing could rock their strong friendship. But as she started crossing her adolescent years she realised that for her, this friendship was more than just a mere friendship. She wanted more. Call it hormonal changes or emotional outbreak she wanted more from him, she wanted to love him like a woman and not like any other friend. This need increased with each passing day, with each friendly smile and each friendly touch of parts of their bodies. The problem lied somewhere else,even though she loved him like a woman , she wanted him to return the gesture to her ,to be loved !And the day came when she decidedthat it was enough and now she will confront him with her feelings,will tell him that yes she loves him and wanted to grow old with him. She never ever estimated the risk of being rejected from him,as if that can ever happen ,as she, according to her, was the only person who knew him the most! They always flirted with each other, even in front of their parents. It was too open between them. How she can ever think of being rejected, being denied of what was her’s already.
It was December ,she got hold of all the power within her,proposed and confessed about her unconditional love she preserved for him. And then boom!!! Her bubble burst out so violently that unlike before, there were no fragments nothing to accumulate to save her from the god awful,heart wrenching ,teeth clenching stab of pain she felt for the first time in her 14 years of life! Why pain? Well his answer was a big “No” ….she was just a friend ,his best friend and nothing else,he never saw her in that way ever,and all those flirtings were in a joking way to have fun . Yeah right humor me!!
Leaving his room, after hearing his answer, she was in complete daze, she wanted to cry out loud, actually to scream out but she couldn’t. It was too much for her to take the rejection at such an young age when she went on loving him for almost 7 long years all by herself. Now she couldn’t risk to lose her respect and dignity even. She pretended that everything was fine and she was ok. But untill she reached her room in her own house! She doesn’t remember her journey back to her place. But once she hits her warm bed, she lost everything all control over herself and all pent up hurt and pain started resurfacing taking a front seat to torment her , to rip her apart inside out, to burn her with invisible flames of fire that became almost unbearable to handle. She was engulfed in a sheet of darkness. Its cold in there but still she hugged that darkness closer to her heart, where the pain was at its maximum! She cried and cried and cried even then when her eyes went dry. She was blind by the pain, she was deaf due to the pain and she cant utter a word because the pain was so excruciating for her that every word would have been heard as screaams from her throat. She felt she was choking drowning in the vast ocean.
She went on feeling that way— loving him, confessing her love and then the heart break– she kept on repeating that process as if she was branding herself with that memory. After three days ,things changed slightly. She now was being able to see through things that even though she was hurt and in a terrible condition to even live her life and might wanted to die, she can’t,there was certainly no possible way for her to embrace death. She has to survive, prove it to the world that she can beat the pain and resurface even though with a battered self. She turned her emotional switch off. She was numb now…numbness is good ,acceptable even. Now she can deal with the rest of the world,with a kick-ass kind of an attitude. She has to deal, she has to live in order to conquer all her fears—– the fear of rejection, the fear of losing and above all she has to endure the pain of heart break in order to face the world– which was both cruel as hell and sweet like honey! So now here she was , emerged as a strong person ,by enduring pain and kicking the thought out of her system to embrace the tag line of a loser! Death was easy but life….. well life was the bitter truth to deal with bitter sweet memories!!!